Five.

Happy 5th birthday to my big-hearted, larger-than-life Calvin. Love you always, my sweet Bub.

December baby.

Audra turned two on the 27th, while we were in Illinois for Christmas with my parents. We had a sweet, simple day of celebrating our big girl: a trip to see Frozen, games, cupcakes, and presents.

Nana let her lick the frosting.

Happy girl.

Hours of entertainment.

Birthday lovin' from Nana and G-Pop.

Her trademark nervous eye rub.

Dad did the honors.

Time for a checkup. Good thing we know all these nurses.

Dr. Audra taking care of her baby.

Shots for dad.

Rocking Tiny Baby.

I'm thankful every day for the little brown-eyed love who made our family whole. What an incredible blessing it has been to watch her grow these last two years...the fastest, sweetest years of my life.

 

Happy birthday, Peanut Butter.

The baby of the family.

The other evening Nate made a pointed but fair statement:

"Your mom can't say no to you, Audra. This is a problem."

As the oldest kids in both of our families, Nate and I have often discussed how our siblings had (have?) it easier than the two of us. We have to meet the crazy high expectations, abide by the over-the-top rules, and fight all the tough fights with our parents...and then our siblings reap the benefits of our work. I have many examples of this (ahem, not being able to ride in a car with a teenage driver until I was in nearly in college) but I will spare you my sob stories.

I have always found this double standard irritating at best. And yet, I find myself in the same spot with my own children. Everything was by the book with Calvin. Everything is off the cuff with Audra.

Nate's right. I can't say no to her.

I do, of course. I haven't totally given up on being a good parent. But honestly, I rarely have to. She's so sweet, so easygoing, so CUTE.

The cuteness is my undoing. Much like her brother, girlfriend has charm for miles. She can be a huge troublemaker, but she smirks at us with this adorable "you know you love it!" face and I can't even deal...much less discipline her without wanting to scoop her up and kiss her face.

The baby who refused to let me cuddle her now whispers "I snuggle you, mama" every night before bed while resting her little head on my chest. (Quickly followed by "I go in my bed now." She's still pretty independent.) She loves singing with me at night — her favorites are ABCs, I Cast All My Cares Upon You, and Jesus Loves Me. She can also be found singing Ring Around the Rosy, Bringing Home My Baby Bumblebee, and Go Tell It On the Mountain at various points throughout the day.

She loves her babies (Baby Dolphin, Baby Girl, Tiny Baby). She carries them around the house, wraps them up, rocks them and feeds them. I recently caught her rocking Tiny Baby and whispering "oh baby oh baby oh baby oh" to her...the same rhythmic line I whispered to both of my babies when they were tiny and inconsolable.

Calvin is her greatest comforter, tormentor, and friend. She calls him "My Calvin." Almost exclusively. When she's upset, she runs over to him for a hug and a "shhhhh, it's okay Audra." When he leaves her room at bedtime she sobs and calls for him. Every fight they have ends the same: A big hug, then "Sorry, Audra." "Sowwy, Calvin."

She loves clothes, shoes, and accessories, and she has definite opinions on all three. I bought her a pair of gold mary janes to wear on Christmas — she's worn them with pjs, with jeans and a sweatshirt, to church and school and everywhere in between. They are her "fancy shoes" and she requests them daily. "I nee my fancy shoes!"

Her tantrums are an adorable series of rapid stomps. She screams a high pitched "EEEEEEEEEE!" constantly — usually out of sheer delight. Sometimes in conjunction with the stomps.

She says "I hold you" when she wants to be picked up; "I gotchu mama" when she wants me to hold her or while giving me a hug.

If you say "I love you sooooo much!" she will reply "so much YOU!" 

She calls Mattie "Mannie." The other day Nate overheard her saying "Hi Mannie guwl, hi Mannie! Good guwl, Mannie."

She says "I a big guwl! I two!" When I ask her what kind of birthday party she's having next week, she says "Two party! George!"

She loves dress up. And carrying Cal's lego guys around. She likes to cook in her play kitchen, and makes little plates of things to bring downstairs to her daddy.

Everything is "mines" right now. And her lunch? "That's mines yunch!"

She got a backpack like Calvin's for Christmas. She calls it her "packpack" and whenever she sees it says "I nee my packpack!"

Nothing makes her happier than being flipped around. She's a maniac. She'll climb up on the couch next to us, say "Weady? One, two, freeee!" then free fall. Quickly followed by "again, again!"

She loves movies. We took the kids to see Frozen on her birthday; she watched almost the entire thing from her own seat. On New Year's Eve, while all the other kids were running around screaming, she quietly sat on the couch and watched Despicable Me 2.

Dairy is her lifeblood. "Milky" is her favorite thing on earth, followed closely by cheese.  She gets hangry just like her mama — food solves almost any tantrum. She's a good eater, except she won't touch a baked good. She looks at cupcakes and donuts with disdain.

I just love her. So much. If there was any way to stop time, I'd stop it now. I mourn the loss of Calvin's baby and toddlerhood so much — it was here and gone before I even realized it, and now it's so hard to remember my handsome big kid as the equally precious and adorable toddler he was then. I know the same will be true with Audra all too soon, which is why I'm far less concerned about doing everything right this time. All I want is to soak her up while I have her. And if that means saying "no" a little less and enjoying her toddler antics a little more...well, so be it.

Sorry, Cal. Welcome to the oldest kid club. I know it's not fair, but you'd better get used to it.

 

 

 

Audra's two year stats: 25lbs 12oz (37th percentile) and 36" tall (93rd percentile)

Two.

 

Happy birthday to the darling girl who stole our hearts two years ago today. We love you more than you'll ever know, little Lou Boo. 

Big kid/little kid.

After a summer of collecting dust in the garage, I'd all but given up on Calvin riding his bike. He didn't like it, he didn't want to do it. And no amount of coaxing, pleading, or bribery could get him near it.

But then one afternoon in September he hopped on and took off — riding up and down the alley all by himself like the big kid he is.

Well, not entirely by himself.

14 days.

This came in the mail last Thursday:

A friendly little reminder that the only thing traveling faster than light is time.

Four years. Zap, bam, boom. Gone. My baby's heading off to kindergarten next year. As a working mom, I wonder how I will feel on his first day of school. Will it be any harder than handing him over to a stranger for 10 hours a day at four months old? Peeling him off my legs every morning for two months straight after a childcare transition? Listening to him scream my name as I walked down the hallway and back out to my car for a quick cry before heading off to work?

Last night as I snuggled with him before bed, Calvin asked if he had to go to school again today. I said yes, and he said "I don't want to go to school tomorrow! Can't we just stay home for 14 days?"

That kindergarten letter hit me hard. But it was nothing compared to the wave of grief I felt hearing him ask "can't we just stay home for 14 days?" Because, no. We can't. We can't stay home for 14 days this month or next month or any month in the near future. We can't stay home for 14 days while you're small and needn't be anywhere but home, and I'm not sure we'll be able to stay home 14 days when you're big and off for summer vacation and all your friends are home, either. Your mom works, so…no. We can't stay home. And it breaks my heart, because I know how much of your childhood I'm missing. How much we're asking of you to spend 10 hours a day somewhere other than your home with people other than your family. How unfair it is for you to have a school schedule before you've even reached school age. I know you don't want to go to school tomorrow, buddy. I wish you didn't have to.

I didn't say that. I hugged him tight and told him I understood, that I don't like Mondays either, and that I wished we could spend 14 days at home together because that would be so much fun. I sang to him, prayed with him, kissed him goodnight. And then I went downstairs and watched last week's Grey's Anatomy. The main storyline? How much it sucks to be a working mom.

Does it ever.

I know I'm a good mom. My kids are loved and treasured and safe and happy and we make the most of the time we have together. I work because my family needs me to and because I (mostly) like to, and I try not to feel guilty about that.

But sometimes? Sometimes it just sucks.

Hold the cheese.

Audra, who didn't smile for the first year of her life, has recently become rather agreeable when it comes to taking pictures. The trick? Teaching her to say "CHEESE!" whenever I need her to smile for a photo. She loves it. And she belts it out at the top of her lungs like it's her job, which is fine by me. I'm not going to deter a kid who's willing to work, even if she's loud enough to interrupt phone conversations two towns over.

We took the kids to the Children's Museum on Saturday afternoon, and in typical mamarazzi fashion, I spent the better part trying to capture their fun on my iPhone. Expecting nothing but more "CHEESE!" from Audra, I crouched down with my phone to take a picture of my big girl carefully navigating the steps on her own — a newly acquired skill.

But I did not get "CHEESE!" I got this blurry picture:

and a stern "NO CHEESE! NO. CHEESE. MAMA!"

Well, okay then. Guess I'll be resorting to Cal's preferred method of photographic bribery (candy corn) sooner than I thought.

T minus 365.

Pre-K is no big deal. It's not even real school. Which is why I only got sniffly instead of sobby when I dropped off my baby and his little bag of school supplies last week.

Next year, though? The title of that post will be something along the lines of SOBFEST 2014. Bring the tissues! I'm partial to Puffs Plus.

Pre-K might not be "real" school, but he sure is learning a lot. Especially in the areas of backtalk and sass. Put this kid in an attitude contest against any 13-year-old girl and she will lose. But man, is he funny. The other day he kept insisting I "spill the beans. SPILL YOUR BEANS, MOM." He has absolutely no idea what that means, of course. Also, this morning he told Nate he had a nightmare about being on the edge of a very high cliff, then followed it with "I'm scared of the dark in my room and also of hikes." Pretty sure he meant heights, but close enough. I'm scared of hikes, too.

Little Lou.

At the beginning of last year, I truly thought I'd be able to keep up with my blog with two kids. Guess I forgot about the part where the baby grows up and I stop being on maternity leave.

I'm really sorry, Audra. I look back at all those posts about Calvin and all the cute little things he did every week (or day) of his first two and a half years and I feel so bad. Does it help to know you are in good company and that every other second (and subsequent) child on earth feels like they got the shaft, too?

I promise that there are plenty of pictures of you, if not posts. But I wish there were more of those, because you are just so adorable in both looks and personality. Your big brown eyes, your wispy blonde hair, your cute little grin. You're tall and you've lost some of your baby chubbiness, but you still have those pudgy hands and upper thigh rolls...not to mention those cheeks. Your skin is perfectly porcelain and so soft. Every bit of you is pure deliciousness and it's hard to stop myself from kissing you all over, so I usually don't.

You are a true girly girl, my sweets. You are obsessed with shoes, and carry yours and mine (and even Cal's) around the house with you at all times. You love to brush your hair, and every time you find a stray clippy or bow you put it on your head. You've gotten much better at letting me put your pigtails in for school...even if you try to pull them out as soon as you see yourself in the mirror. You love hats, and I know you miss them now that it's summer and they aren't readily available. This week you started dressing yourself...the other night you put your jammies on with very little assistance, and one morning I came in to find you wearing your baby's pants around your ankle. You've got style, kid. I hope you always love clothes and shoes the way you do now, because we are going to have some serious fun as you get older.

Your vocabulary has exploded in recent weeks. You now say please and thank you, diaper, ball, car, amen, Cal, Abby (a friend at school), Mickey, Grandma, Grandpa, school, shoe, cheese, snack, juice, milk, book, toes, hat, gummy ("gummy, gummy, gummy" is always accompanied by clapping and your signature happy stomp) and a plethora of other words. You understand us so well and can answer questions and follow along with our conversations and directions. When I ask "what's your name?" you proudly point to yourself and say "Audie!" And then you point to and name each of the people in our family. You've added a few phrases, too, like "sit here," "bye bye, daddy!" and "yay, mama!" (that one is usually reserved for me putting my shoes on, and is always followed by some clapping).

You love to say "by-ee!" and often do so gleefully while slamming books shut. Right now you are obsessed with The Belly Button Book (you say "be bo" in all the right spots!), Each Peach Pear Plum (love pointing out the baby), Down By The Bay, and Let's Dance Little Pookie (you have some serious moves when it comes time to reach, march and shimmy!). Reading with you before bed is one of the sweetest parts of my day.

Outside is your favorite place to be, and you play so well in your playhouse, at the water table, and in your car. You are an independent girl, my little Louie. As soon as I open the playground gate at school in the morning, you're off and running...no looking back. I know you're headed straight for those swings, and will cry when it's time to go in. Your teachers adore you, and tell us you are so laid back and easygoing. Such a relief after all your brother put us through at the same age!

Cheese sticks remain your go-to snack. We took you to your first movie last weekend and you completely devoured the popcorn. Pretty sure that's a choking hazard, but there was no keeping you away from that bucket. I eventually gave up on my efforts to crumble it into smaller pieces, because you were eating it so quickly. G-Pop would be proud, though he would likely advise you to go light on the butter and salt. Luckily, you're a pretty well-rounded eater and devour your share of fruits and vegetables, too. Last Saturday at the farmers' market you desperately wanted a bunch of radishes. Lots of pointing and signing and saying "plse plse plse." Still not sure what you thought those were, but it was really cute.

You love your babies. Last week you wanted them all in bed with you, and after I put you down I heard lots of scraping noises in your room. When I checked on you before bed, you were fast asleep in the corner and all of your dolls were crammed in between the wall and your crib. Daddy and I thought that was hilarious (and so did everyone on Facebook).

Calvin considers you his greatest friend and greatest enemy right now. You are both very jealous of my time and affection, and if one of you gets a hug the other one is right there clawing at me. You've started to bicker and fight with regularity (one of the primary reasons is that you are a HUGE instigator, little miss), but there is no doubting your love for each other. Watching you play and wrestle (?!!) together is hilarious and heartwarming. I'm so glad you have each other.

There have been a million moments worth documenting over the last year and a half, Audra. Even though I haven't captured them all in writing the way I'd hoped to, it would be impossible for any one of us to forget the sweetness and joy you've brought to our family.

We love you so, little Lou.

 

  

**Audra's 18 month stats: 33in (77th), 23lbs 3oz (30th), and hitting those two year milestones with ease!**

For the record.

Hope you weren't expecting some great declaration. This is literally for my records. I can't be expected to hang on to a sheet of paper for the rest of his life, can I?

Calvin's four year stats:

Weight: 37lbs 9oz, 65th percentile
Height: 42 inches, 82nd percentile
Vision: 20/25 in both eyes
BMI: 29

He continues to be a year ahead in all areas except fine motor, where he's on par with kids his age.

For those who have been wondering and/or praying for us (thank you), Calvin's long-awaited eval appointment is next Wednesday. We're not entirely sure what to expect, but we hope this will be a positive first step for us and for him.

Four.

Happy birthday to my hilarious, adorable, exasperating, smart, outrageous, funny, stubborn, mischievous, and super lovable little Calvin.

You light up my world like nobody else, kiddo, and I am so grateful to be your mama.

12-18.

I did not love 12-18 months the first time around.

In fact, it was kind of terrible. Cute, but terrible. Lots of biting and insane tantruming and general unpleasantness.

But this time around? Oh heavens.

This little lady is 15 months old. And she has become a total firecracker. Our once reserved, laid back, observant little girl is now an instigator, a tease, a tantrum thrower, and a daredevil.

My kids never cease to surprise me.

I mean, Audra is still Audra. She is still reserved and observant, but she's become a little less laid back. She now has opinions, and she will gladly, and loudly, let you know what they are.

We took her to urgent care for a suspected ear infection two weeks ago, and she gave the doctor a stone-faced stare down that resulted in the physician saying "She looks like she might shiv me!"

We call that her B face. I don't think I need to explain that to anyone. Looks a little something like this:

I hope that face will be used for good and not evil when she's a teenager. Like when a guy who doesn't bathe regularly, isn't on the honor roll, and whose parents we don't like asks her out.

She's a sassy little thing. And she has some serious spunk. She pokes and prods and laughs at Calvin constantly, which I find hilarious. Him, not so much — though he has a lot of patience with her. She's super active, and is never content to sit still. She loves to be flipped around, thrown in the air, and fake dropped. She would jump on our bed for hours if we let her. Her tantrums are hilarious — she folds herself in half and puts her head on the floor and wails. Like a crying teepee.

Babies are her favorite toy right now. She has a few of them, and she likes to give them lots of hugs and kisses while saying "Baby. Baby. Baby." over and over again. She loves puppies and pants with her tongue out every time she sees one. She's a total bookworm just like her mama and brother — her favorites right now are Let's Dance Little Pookie, Counting Kisses, Touch and Feel Baby Animals, Noah's Ark, and Brown Bear Brown Bear — and she loves to pull all of Calvin's books off his shelf.

She also loves to eat. Her favorite food, by far, is cheese. She can down a cheese stick in less than a minute. She generally eats what we eat, but avocado, blueberries, cheetos (no judging), strawberries, hummus on pita chips, scrambled eggs, edemame, raw mushrooms, cottage cheese, applesauce, and yogurt are her favorites. She's not really into meat these days, but she can put the hurt on a hot dog.

Her vocabulary is made up of seven words (mama, dada, uh oh, hi, bye, baby, blankie), a handful of sign language (all done, more, water) and some emphatic head shaking (NO!). She loves to be held (so long as you're moving...sitting still is not okay) and has gotten slightly more comfortable with snuggling, though she is still a very independent sleeper. We read, we sing, I hold her for as long as she'll allow, and then she goes in her bed, where she flips to her stomach, scrunches her butt up in the air, and stares at me until I leave the room. She sleeps from 7-7, and naps for two hours in the afternoon.

The other night before bed I asked her to put her toys away. I don't know why I asked her, because I didn't actually expect her do it, but lo and behold...she walked her two little wooden condiment bottles over to her play kitchen and put them on the shelf. She had to stand on her tiptoes to get them on it, but that's where she'd gotten them and that's where she was returning them. For cute.

I feel like 15 months marks the beginning of the end of her babyhood. She's still so deliciously baby-like in many ways, with that chubby little finger pointing out things that delight her and lots of squeals and grunts and running around naked. But her understanding of the world is getting broader, and her vocabulary and physical abilities are, too. She's growing so fast I can hardly believe it. But instead of the sorrow I expected to feel watching my last baby grow into a little girl, there is only joy.

12-18 months. Who knew.

Audra's 15 months stats:
Weight: 22lbs 1oz (37th)
Height: 31.5in (84th)
Head: 18.24in (67th)