Love it and list it.

1. I'm wearing red skinny pants today. I think I love them. Can't speak for anyone else, however, as I am not skinny and they might not love seeing me in them. But I did go the extra mile and cover my rear end with a tunic, so hopefully that helps keep most of the "ew why is she wearing those pants" thoughts/comments at bay. Anyway, red pants offer a nice bit of cheer on a dark and dreary day. Even if they draw more attention to my "assets" than the general public would prefer.

2. Said tunic is this year's Target special and you should all get on it because they go fast. I snagged last year's version too late and ended up with a color I would not have otherwise chosen but it is dang hard to find tunics if you don't shop at Chicos. And I missed the previous year's version altogether which makes me want to cry a little because it had front pockets. Do you know how much I love a good front pocket? Last year's version had side pockets that came out when I walked (this probably doesn't happen to girls without a chip and dip hobby) and this year's version has no pockets. Next year's version may not even have sleeves, since it seems to be losing a little bit of fabric every year, so I would highly recommend you strolling through the Merona section and picking up one or five of these suckers…particularly if you own red pants and need the coverage.

3. If you noticed a frizzy blonde girl in a black minivan singing her heart out on the way to work, it was probably because of Sara Bareilles's The Blessed Unrest. I. am. in. love. This album, seriously. Every time I hear Little Black Dress I want to get up and sing into a curling iron and dance around. Which is awkward, since I listen to it a lot at work.

4. Audie stayed home sick with Nate today, and when I got ready to leave she came over put her arms up and said "I hold you?" My little Calvin used to say that exact thing and to this day it is one of my very favorite phrases either of my children has uttered. I wanted to cry, but instead I just scooped up that little muffin and hugged her so so so tight. And then she kissed me on the lips and I got in the car and smeared hand sanitizer on my mouth because I HATE BEING SICK and they don't make antibacterial lip gloss.

It did not taste good. But it tasted better than puke, which is the alternative. And probably the reality even after the hand sanitizer lip scrub because I have a knack for getting whatever they get. 

5. On the subject of kissing, Audra honks our nose after every kiss. And says "honk." She's real cute.

6. I've had my first, second, and third pumpkin spice latte of the season. Our freezer is stocked with various homemade breads and I'm going to make soup this weekend. It's officially fall. Time to break out the panel pants and settle in for eating season!

(Don't make that face. I know I'm not the only person who hung on to those post-pregnancy.)

7. Trying to decide what my fall fashion must-haves are. After attending a few runway shows with my friend Jo last week (it was Minnesota Fashion Week. Stop laughing.), I know for sure that I need an ankle-length octopus sweatshirt, a feather headdress, and an oversized hospital robe. And maybe some oxfords, since women wearing clunky men's shoes is a trend I just can't get enough of.

The highlight of the night was definitely when a frumpy middle-aged teacher asked us where we got our shoes and we were able to coolly answer "Payless" and "Aerosoles."

Those two responses summarize Minnesota Fashion Week better than a photo ever could.

8. I think I'm going to grow my hair out. I don't know why, except I miss the option of having a messy bun and I'm tired of haircuts that grow out too fast because I don't have time to get them as frequently as needed.

Nevermind. I guess I do know why. SLOTH.

9. Let me know if you're watching anything new that you really love this season. We didn't add much to our repertoire. Nate's watching The Blacklist, we're both watching Brooklyn Nine Nine (not sure how long that will be amusing), and I kinda liked the pilot for Mom, but haven't watched a second episode. I also gave The Mindy Project another shot and I'm glad I did. So funny. But I need to know if I'm missing anything great. Besides Scandal and Parks and Rec. And please don't recommend the Big Bang Theory because I do not get nerd humor, math, science, or the appeal of that show.

10. My kids are obsessed with their Bibles. We finished reading The Jesus Storybook Bible with Calvin last week, but he's still requesting it every night before bed. I will gladly read that with him every night from now until forever because I love that he's soaking up truth and also because it means I don't have to read Dr. Seuss. (I am such a scrooge.) Also, Audra's little My First Read and Learn Bible is a bedtime staple. She likes to point out Noah. And say "Bible." Upwards of eight hundred times per day.

Nothing like a toddler running around shouting "Bible" to make you feel like you've done something right.

Waiting.

Yesterday I dropped a big packet of paperwork in the mail.

We had to answer question after question about our child. His health. His verbal skills. His sensory system. His social, self help, gross motor, fine motor, and general development.

His temperament.

444 questions, in total. None of them ours.

So now we wait. Not for answers to our questions, but for a phone call to make an appointment for an evaluation to get us started on a path that we hope will eventually yield answers to our questions and help for our child.

He's healthy, we know that. He's incredibly smart, we know that. He's not showing classic signs of common childhood disorders. We know that.

We also know that he is beautiful and bright and loving and strong and remarkable.

But he's having a really hard time, this precious boy of ours. And so are we.

Your prayers would be appreciated as we wait for answers.

My hope is in you, Lord
All the day long
I won't be shaken by drought or storm
A peace that passes understanding is my song
And I sing
My hope is in you, Lord

Go Tell it on the Mountain.

After much practice at home and at school, Calvin made his second theatrical debut in the Sonshine Learning Center Christmas pageant — this year, as a shepherd. His class sang rousing renditions of Go Tell it on the Mountain, Away in a Manger, and Silent Night.

Preschool is worth the cost, if for no other reason than witnessing this 45 minutes of absolute chaos and total cuteness every Christmas. 

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. Luke 2:8-11

A shared profession.

Last night before bed:

Calvin: Daddy isn't feeling very good, Mama.
Me: No, he's not, sweetie. His tummy hurts.
Calvin, thoughtfully: God can help him.
Me: Yes, he sure can!
Calvin, nodding: He's a nurse, too. 

I really don't know how he pieced that together. His father is a nurse and God is his heavenly father, so fathers = nurses? Or God is a healer and Daddy is a healer so healers = nurses?

Or maybe he just looks up to his Daddy so much that he can't imagine anyone, even God, having a more noble profession.

Either way, it is astonishing to watch the Lord work in my little boy's heart and mind.

Worry.

For the past two weeks, I've been a bit of a mess.

Tomorrow is Calvin's last day at his daycare; Monday he starts at the new center. All I can do when I think about this is cry. I cry because I'm so sad he has to leave people he loves and a place he feels safe. I cry because I am still struggling with guilt over our decision. I cry because I am a nervous wreck about next week.

And every time I start crying (which has been almost daily, if I'm being honest), I think to myself — what an idiot. This is not that big of a deal. I need to adjust my thinking. I need to be thankful for the wonderful experience we've had this past year and excited for a new one. I need to stop worrying over things I can't control, things that haven't happened yet, and things that may or may not ever happen.

But I can't. Worrying is what moms do best, am I right?

What if he feels scared and alone in this new place? (He might.) What if he really hates it there? (He won't.) What if he screams and cries when we leave him every day? (He probably will, at first.) What if he bites another child and they all hate him and they kick us out and we're stuck with nowhere to go and I have to quit my job and we lose our house? (He likely will, they likely won't, the rest is a little dramatic.)

I really wish I could turn off my brain. And my tear ducts.

Every single night since the day he was born, I have prayed for and with Calvin. I pray for the protection of his heart, his mind, and his body. I pray for rest, for happiness, for comfort. I pray Calvin will come to know the Lord and that He will help us guide our son on that journey. I pray for wisdom for myself, and for Nate, in parenting him.

My son has been covered in prayer his entire life. I have no problem trusting God to care for Calvin in all these big ways — matters of life and death and eternity. So why am I giving in to worry and doubt instead of trusting God to care for him during this minor transition?

Jeremiah 29:11 says: For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I have clung to that verse in times of doubt regarding my own future, but until today I had never thought about it in terms of Calvin's life. How silly of me. God's promise extends to all of His children. He has plans for Calvin, hopeful plans. Future plans. Plans to prosper him. Plans to keep him from harm. Plans that I'm pretty sure don't include the loss of his childhood home to biting.

As a parent, the very best I can do is seek God's wisdom in the decisions I make for my children and trust that in the areas I am weak — as a person and as a mother — He is strong. I can't keep my son from feeling frightened next week. I can't control whether he bites or how the other kids react to him. I can't be sure he won't get kicked out of daycare for chomping on another child. But I can have peace in knowing we made a prayerful decision. I can trust that God will be there with us tomorrow afternoon as we say our tearful goodbyes to Elisha, that He'll be with us on Monday morning as our family begins a new chapter, and that He will care for Calvin (and calm his neurotic mother) during the days ahead.

On the way to work this morning, I received this text from Nate, who suffered through yet another round of my waterworks last night before bed. (He's a saint.)

"Did you see the beautiful sunrise this morning? I think that's God's way of telling us everything is going to be okay."

He's right, of course. Everything is going to be okay. And it was an incredible sunrise.


Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7