Ham.

"Ham! Ham! Ham!" shouts Calvin — morning, noon, and night.

"Ughhhhhhhhhhh," says his mom in return.

Am I the only one who had fond memories of reading Dr. Seuss books as a child and couldn't wait to read them to my own kids but then once I did realized they are really long and quite annoying? Making this even worse, my child refuses to read one book and move on to the next...it's Green Eggs and Ham, and then Green Eggs and Ham again, and then maybe, if we're lucky, a round of Dr. Seuss' ABC before once again reading Green Eggs and Ham. And then we* have a tantrum because, SERIOUSLY, no. No more Green Eggs and Ham. ABC, fine. Ham, no.

I would not, could not in the dark.
I could not, would not in a park.
I DON'T LIKE THIS BOOK YOU SILLY MAN.**
I don't like it one bit, Sam-I-Am.


*By "we" I mean me.

*The silly man being Dr. Seuss, of course. Not Calvin. I love Calvin. Which is why I read him annoying books over and over and over again. I just wish he'd branch out...maybe to Fox in Socks. Or One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish. Or Jonathan Franzen's The Corrections.

Voyeurism.

You know the whole "one blog leads to another blog leads to another blog" thing about reading blogs?

No?

Well, it's a thing. Believe me. Because one blog has led to another blog and now I'm obsessed with a new (to me) genre of blogging.

Check it:

I drove by a new boutique on Grand Ave one day and wanted to know what it was, so I did a google search for it. I didn't find the boutique; instead I found a local blogger. A blogger who posts photos of her daily outfits.

I read the entire archives of her blog in one day.

When there was nothing left to read, I got bored and started clicking on her links, which led me to another blogger. Who also posts photos of her daily outfits.

You guys, it is REALLY fun to see what people wear every day. A little like when I try to look in the windows of all the mansions on Summit Avenue as I drive by at night...except this is less creepy because they are actually posting their outfits for the world to see. And then, you know, wearing them for the world to see. So maybe it's not really creepy at all. Bad analogy, but a similar rush.

Anyway, again with the reading of the archives in one day and the boredom and the links, which led me to another local fashion blogger, which led me to a non-local really adorable nerdy fashion blogger, which led me to one final blogger of whom I am just a little (okay, a lot) jealous. Don't worry, you will be too. I just keep trying to remind myself that she's only 21 and when I was 21 I was also skinny, although nowhere near that fashionable, perky, and cute.

The good news? There are about a million more blogs like this out there. All you have to do is follow the links.

The bad news? There are about a million more blogs like this out there. All you have to do is follow the links.

You're welcome.

Dear John(nie).

Dear Johnnie Boden:

Please stop sending me emails. Or at least emails including offers I can't refuse.

You see, I am poor. Well, not really poor, but I'm paying an arm and a leg for daycare and diapers every month, and I just got the first of what I have to assume will be multiple student loan balance letters regarding my husband's recently completed education. There is no room for you and your 30% off plus free shipping in my life.

Gosh, 30% off is a really good deal. That means the Amalfi dress I've been eying would only be $70....NO. NO NO NO.

No thank you, Mr. Boden!

You are preying on my weaknesses. Somehow, without even having met, you know I cannot turn away from tiny striped jeans for my son, or adorable printed skirts for me. You know I find your soft cotton fabrics and your whimsical polka dot packaging irresistible. You know I love putting Calvin in shirts that say delightful things like "Pony Ride."

But I cannot continue this relationship with you and your beguiling goods. Truly, I cannot. Please, take your 30% off plus free shipping (Free shipping! Shipping is a significant expense when you're ordering things from England, that's a serious cost savings...) and, well, you know. Keep it. For a while. Just hang on to it for me. I won't always be poor. And when I'm not, well...you and I are going to get to know each other very well.

Until then, dear Johnnie, I remain yours truly,

Abby

P.S. If you bumped the offer up to 40% plus free shipping and free returns we might be able to work something out much sooner. Just saying.

The Break-Up.

Much like Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn in that slightly annoying movie where he gets her three lemons (baby wanted 12), I am going through a break up.

It's difficult for me to talk about, but if I've learned anything from The Biggest Loser (other than Tuesday nights are a great time to eat ice cream while watching tv), it's that talking through your pain shows strength.

So, here goes.

American Idol and I have called it quits.

It was amicable. I simply told American Idol that while I have enjoyed our time together, I didn't see a future for us and felt that I needed to move on. And then I waited for American Idol to cry, to protest, to beg me to watch again this season.

You guys, American Idol DIDN'T EVEN CARE. After five years together, American Idol didn't shed a single tear for the end of our relationship. In fact, American Idol didn't do anything except move on to its first round of televised auditions.

Are you kidding me? Even when the worst relationships end there's a mourning period — especially for the dumpee! Unless, of course, the dumpee knows the dumper is just being silly and trying to leave even though there's no possible way the dumper is actually going to be strong enough to do it because the dumpee is totally irresistible and the dumper has no willpower when it comes to the charms of the dumpee. Which is obviously not the case here, because I have absolutely no intention of going back to American Idol.

Yes, I did turn it on for a few minutes last week to see Posh Spice judge. But it's POSH - I couldn't possibly pass up the chance to see her cut some poor fool to shreds. Or smile on camera.

And I may have switched to Fox for a few minutes last night, but only because there was nothing else on. Really, nothing. Slim pickings.

But that doesn't mean anything. I am done with American Idol. D-O-N-E. It's a stupid time suck and I don't care about those people or their indulgent performances and poor song choices. I'd rather spend my valuable time watching something truly awesome, like Modern Family or Glee.

Although it took me about a week to figure out what the heck pants on the ground was. I guess if I'd watched American Idol I would have been part of the nationwide joke instead of a social misfit.

Plus I really really love Ellen DeGeneres, so I will probably have to tune in occasionally to see what she has to say.

And Glee isn't on again until April...

Oh, crap.

We are so not over.