Dear John(nie).

Dear Johnnie Boden:

Please stop sending me emails. Or at least emails including offers I can't refuse.

You see, I am poor. Well, not really poor, but I'm paying an arm and a leg for daycare and diapers every month, and I just got the first of what I have to assume will be multiple student loan balance letters regarding my husband's recently completed education. There is no room for you and your 30% off plus free shipping in my life.

Gosh, 30% off is a really good deal. That means the Amalfi dress I've been eying would only be $70....NO. NO NO NO.

No thank you, Mr. Boden!

You are preying on my weaknesses. Somehow, without even having met, you know I cannot turn away from tiny striped jeans for my son, or adorable printed skirts for me. You know I find your soft cotton fabrics and your whimsical polka dot packaging irresistible. You know I love putting Calvin in shirts that say delightful things like "Pony Ride."

But I cannot continue this relationship with you and your beguiling goods. Truly, I cannot. Please, take your 30% off plus free shipping (Free shipping! Shipping is a significant expense when you're ordering things from England, that's a serious cost savings...) and, well, you know. Keep it. For a while. Just hang on to it for me. I won't always be poor. And when I'm not, well...you and I are going to get to know each other very well.

Until then, dear Johnnie, I remain yours truly,

Abby

P.S. If you bumped the offer up to 40% plus free shipping and free returns we might be able to work something out much sooner. Just saying.

A true story.

I was in the mall today, just minding my own business, and OUT OF NOWHERE a Banana Republic employee jumped me, dragged me inside the store, made me try on a really cute shirt, stole my check card, purchased the really cute shirt with it, forced me to sign the credit card slip, and then handed it to me in a little bag and told me to have a nice day.

What on earth am I going to do with this super cute shirt I was TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY FORCED to purchase?

They'd better hope I don't sue for harassment.

I'm posting the picture below just in case the police need it for their report. Except mine is kelly green, and I so wouldn't wear it tucked in. You know, hypothetically speaking. If I wore it. Which, of course, I wouldn't. Stolen goods and all. But then again, I did technically pay for it...