New year, new plan.

I'm an excellent resolution keeper. Which is why I am ridiculously skinny, have a spotless house, cook delicious meals every night for my husband, never forget to recycle, and maintain a lifestyle well within my financial means.

Jealous?

Everyone knows New Year's resolutions are total crap. Has anyone ever honestly believed that they would wake up on January 2 and magically be self-motivated and totally organized?

Setting unrealistic expectations for yourself is downright unhealthy. New Year's resolutions — which, let's face it, are ALWAYS unrealistic — lead to nothing more than false hope (a few days of believing you can do something you can't), crippling guilt (when you fail to meet your goals), and bitter disappointment in yourself (and your inability to choose the gym over the comfort of your couch).

I refuse to put myself through that kind of mental anguish in honor of a new year. That's just no way to celebrate. So instead, I am going to make a list of realistic resolutions for 2009 — things I'm certain I CAN accomplish.

In 2009, I vow to:

1) Chew lots of gum. I may even work my way through all of the Orbit flavors, but make no promises. I'll start with bubblemint.

2) Sit on the couch and watch Gossip Girl every Monday night until the baby comes. It's important to stay in touch with the younger generation, especially now that I'm bringing a child into the world.

3) Go over at least 1,000 miles before getting an oil change. And then ask Nate to take it in for me.

4) Make at least four boxes of Kraft mac and cheese per month and eat them all myself.

5) Spend way too much time watching Law & Order reruns on TNT. Clank clank.

6) Throw my clothes on the floor next to our bed every night, and leave them there until it's time to do laundry or we have visitors - so at least two weeks.

7) Keep shopping for clothes, despite the economic slowdown and the fact that most clothes no longer fit me.

8) Maintain my theory that "cleanish" is good enough for guests.

9) Check email and facebook obsessively while completely ignoring my cell phone.

10) Take advantage of the McDonald's drive thru for breakfast once a week.

I think that's enough. There's really only so much self-improvement a girl can tackle in one year.