Tomorrow is Calvin's last day at his daycare; Monday he starts at the new center. All I can do when I think about this is cry. I cry because I'm so sad he has to leave people he loves and a place he feels safe. I cry because I am still struggling with guilt over our decision. I cry because I am a nervous wreck about next week.
And every time I start crying (which has been almost daily, if I'm being honest), I think to myself — what an idiot. This is not that big of a deal. I need to adjust my thinking. I need to be thankful for the wonderful experience we've had this past year and excited for a new one. I need to stop worrying over things I can't control, things that haven't happened yet, and things that may or may not ever happen.
But I can't. Worrying is what moms do best, am I right?
What if he feels scared and alone in this new place? (He might.) What if he really hates it there? (He won't.) What if he screams and cries when we leave him every day? (He probably will, at first.) What if he bites another child and they all hate him and they kick us out and we're stuck with nowhere to go and I have to quit my job and we lose our house? (He likely will, they likely won't, the rest is a little dramatic.)
I really wish I could turn off my brain. And my tear ducts.
Every single night since the day he was born, I have prayed for and with Calvin. I pray for the protection of his heart, his mind, and his body. I pray for rest, for happiness, for comfort. I pray Calvin will come to know the Lord and that He will help us guide our son on that journey. I pray for wisdom for myself, and for Nate, in parenting him.
My son has been covered in prayer his entire life. I have no problem trusting God to care for Calvin in all these big ways — matters of life and death and eternity. So why am I giving in to worry and doubt instead of trusting God to care for him during this minor transition?
Jeremiah 29:11 says: For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I have clung to that verse in times of doubt regarding my own future, but until today I had never thought about it in terms of Calvin's life. How silly of me. God's promise extends to all of His children. He has plans for Calvin, hopeful plans. Future plans. Plans to prosper him. Plans to keep him from harm. Plans that I'm pretty sure don't include the loss of his childhood home to biting.
As a parent, the very best I can do is seek God's wisdom in the decisions I make for my children and trust that in the areas I am weak — as a person and as a mother — He is strong. I can't keep my son from feeling frightened next week. I can't control whether he bites or how the other kids react to him. I can't be sure he won't get kicked out of daycare for chomping on another child. But I can have peace in knowing we made a prayerful decision. I can trust that God will be there with us tomorrow afternoon as we say our tearful goodbyes to Elisha, that He'll be with us on Monday morning as our family begins a new chapter, and that He will care for Calvin (and calm his neurotic mother) during the days ahead.
On the way to work this morning, I received this text from Nate, who suffered through yet another round of my waterworks last night before bed. (He's a saint.)
"Did you see the beautiful sunrise this morning? I think that's God's way of telling us everything is going to be okay."
He's right, of course. Everything is going to be okay. And it was an incredible sunrise.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7
8 comments:
I love this Abby. Good reminder for me as my oldest little guy starts school next week - at a new school that we changed to largely for our own convenience even though he loved his last school...
Oh, and I don't know if I told you, but my littlest little guy is a biter. As I dropped him off at childcare, I almost said something, gave fair warning, offered to be available to get him early if things didn't work out. Then, I bit my tongue and figured they could probably deal with it better than I could :) I still have my house, so there's some encouragement for you!
First of all, I can't believe you guys are up early enough for a sunrise! If only I could get out of bed that early...
Anyway, you wrote that you know Calvin will be fine. And he will. And you will probably look back on this and laugh at yourself for making it a bigger deal than it really is. But that's a mothers job. So you are doing great!!!
I will be praying that the transition to the new daycare will be much better than any of you expect and that it will just what your family needs...including Cal! I love both of the verses in this post and have had to remind myself of them MANY times when it comes to my own life and parenting. You are a great mama and Cal is going to do great! Love you!
A friend of mine once told me "Where God guides, He provides." Those words came back to me and I read through this. You know that God has guided you to make this decision for Calvin and your family and He will provide for you all through it.
I'm sitting at work reading this totally trying not to cry, by the way. :)
You are a sweet momma. I had a break down the other day after learning that Isla goes down the slide all by herself and I didn't even know it. I think the tenderness you have is awesome and makes you a great mom. I love the gentle reminder from Nate that all is well and the Lord is in control. Hang in there.
Dad and I have talked so much about what great and thoughtful parents you both are, what an enormous capacity you both have to love and nurture Calvin. Your patience is sweet to see.
You are right, he is covered in prayer, as are both of you, as you become the parents God meant you to be. I love you. Mom
yes, it was a beautiful sunrise today. and yes, calvin will be fine. and yes, you will look back on this and laugh at how silly and dramatic you are. but yes, calvin will also look back on this and think, what a wonderful mama i had to care so much about me, my well-being, and my need to bite. we'll be thinking of you next week abby! can't wait to hear how it goes.
praying for you and hope you feel such peace during the switch. i'm so proud of you and what an incredible mom you are. love hearing your perspective on this-good for me as i try and not worry about other stuff! thanks for being so wonderful. can't wait to hear how it goes. he is covered in prayer by many, and so are you!! xoxo.
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