I feel like this blog has become pretty baby-centered. Which is all fine and good — I've got a beautiful little boy and I want to show him off. But this has been my personal outlet for the past year, and I miss it.
Actually I don't miss it. I miss having something interesting to say on it.
I had every intention of continuing to write the way I had been — about my life, my thoughts, my adventures, my rants and raves — once Calvin arrived. I didn't want this blog to become all about me being a mom, because I vowed I would always be more than that. I would still be ME — with my own interests and hobbies and a life outside my baby.
But my life is different now. Right now I don't have many thoughts that don't revolve around my son. I'm home with him all day, every day. I'm not working. I don't have a lot of adult interaction, unless you count Ellen Degeneres, Ina Garten, and the detectives on Law & Order.
It's like I'm living in a mommy cocoon, where all I see, hear, smell is baby.
It's not who I wanted to be. But it's who I need to be, right now, for my family. I need to be here with Calvin, because he's still small and I'm his source of comfort, of entertainment, of food. I need to be totally engrossed in my baby's every movement, because soon he'll be spending his days in childcare with a stranger, while I'm at work, missing out. I need to be home so Nate, who is working hard so I don't have to, can get a break once in a while. And I need to be this person, because I want to be this person. I want to be a mom. His mom. The person who knows him better than anyone else on earth, who loves him more than anyone else ever will.
I fear this makes me irrelevant to some. And I don't want to be irrelevant. I don't want my friends who don't have kids to think I've gone off the deep end, that I don't remember what it was like to not have children. Because I do. It was two months ago, and I loved it. How could I forget the freedom I had before I had a baby? (Seriously impossible. I dream about it daily.)
Every time someone becomes a parent for the first time, you hear about their new set of priorities. But I don't think I have a new set. I think I have a bigger set.
Of course Calvin is my number one priority. But that doesn't mean the others fall away. My faith, my husband, my family, my friends, myself — all still priorities. I refuse to give up my quiet time, regular dates with my husband, trips to see my family, long dinners with my friends, or weekend afternoons shopping alone. Those are things I need to do to be whole.
I can't teach my children to have a balanced life if I don't have one myself.
So, while I don't have much to say right now, I know I will again. I won't be cocooned up in mommyland forever. Don't get me wrong, I'm a permanent resident. I love it here.
But I will soon venture out, because it's not enough. I'm still me.
6 comments:
Abby-I think you have a lot to say ;-) And you said it well. You'll figure out how to balance the tightrope in due time. And I have no doubt you'll become a master at it. Now I'm going to go wipe away the tear in my eye and gaze at my son.
Right on, Abs! I have always felt that having time to be Jaime makes me better at being Mommy. I can't do just Mommy... that's only a part of me. A big part, but the rest is still there too :)
Just because you are a mommy doesn't mean you can't have a life outside of them and I know you will be great at the "balancing act." This post made me think about my early days with Ben and the relationship woes we went through. I think each mom has to decide her priorities for herself. Some will find that in order to be themselves they still need that alone time on a regular basis and some may find that they feel the most like themselves when they are with their babies. I don't think either is wrong. I think it's cool that we can all figure this mommy thing out in our own way. The bottom line is that we love our kids and want to do what's best for them. I will say though...balance is MUCH easier once you've gotten over the newborn hump. :) Love you and think you are a great mom.
great thoughts abby ... i think we can all relate to it!
From one of your no-kid friends... you have NOT gone off the deep end =) Life's changed and you're doing a great job rolling with it! Don't feel like you have to apologize to anyone for loving on your baby! We'd all be asking for more if you didn't post it anyway!!
If I ever have kids, I swore I would not do what my father did - make them my entire life. He's almost 60 and still has no idea what he wants to do. I think you're too smart to go down that road, especially since you can recognize the need to be your own person first. It's so important. Great post.
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