I feel like this blog has become pretty baby-centered. Which is all fine and good — I've got a beautiful little boy and I want to show him off. But this has been my personal outlet for the past year, and I miss it.
Actually I don't miss it. I miss having something interesting to say on it.
I had every intention of continuing to write the way I had been — about my life, my thoughts, my adventures, my rants and raves — once Calvin arrived. I didn't want this blog to become all about me being a mom, because I vowed I would always be more than that. I would still be ME — with my own interests and hobbies and a life outside my baby.
But my life is different now. Right now I don't have many thoughts that don't revolve around my son. I'm home with him all day, every day. I'm not working. I don't have a lot of adult interaction, unless you count Ellen Degeneres, Ina Garten, and the detectives on Law & Order.
It's like I'm living in a mommy cocoon, where all I see, hear, smell is baby.
It's not who I wanted to be. But it's who I need to be, right now, for my family. I need to be here with Calvin, because he's still small and I'm his source of comfort, of entertainment, of food. I need to be totally engrossed in my baby's every movement, because soon he'll be spending his days in childcare with a stranger, while I'm at work, missing out. I need to be home so Nate, who is working hard so I don't have to, can get a break once in a while. And I need to be this person, because I want to be this person. I want to be a mom. His mom. The person who knows him better than anyone else on earth, who loves him more than anyone else ever will.
I fear this makes me irrelevant to some. And I don't want to be irrelevant. I don't want my friends who don't have kids to think I've gone off the deep end, that I don't remember what it was like to not have children. Because I do. It was two months ago, and I loved it. How could I forget the freedom I had before I had a baby? (Seriously impossible. I dream about it daily.)
Every time someone becomes a parent for the first time, you hear about their new set of priorities. But I don't think I have a new set. I think I have a bigger set.
Of course Calvin is my number one priority. But that doesn't mean the others fall away. My faith, my husband, my family, my friends, myself — all still priorities. I refuse to give up my quiet time, regular dates with my husband, trips to see my family, long dinners with my friends, or weekend afternoons shopping alone. Those are things I need to do to be whole.
I can't teach my children to have a balanced life if I don't have one myself.
So, while I don't have much to say right now, I know I will again. I won't be cocooned up in mommyland forever. Don't get me wrong, I'm a permanent resident. I love it here.
But I will soon venture out, because it's not enough. I'm still me.