Friday, July 23, 2010

Plight.

I never wanted to be a stay at home mom.

Just to be clear — this isn't going to be one of those "motherhood has changed me forever and suddenly I can't imagine doing anything more fulfilling than staying home with my child" posts, because that's not how I feel. Of course there are many times I would love to stay home to play with and snuggle Calvin all day long (totally unrealistic, he's not a snuggler). But there are also days when motherhood makes me want to run screaming from my house and straight across town into the peace and quiet of my office. Which is neither peaceful nor quiet, but sometimes the insanity of work is preferable to the insanity of parenting a 14 month old. At least my coworkers don't throw food (Tantrums, yes. Food, no.).

Besides, I like working. I need to work, for reasons both financial and personal. I need to see adults I'm not related to every day. I need to have a reason to get dressed in something other than sweats every morning. I need to challenge myself, think critically, and accomplish something on a daily basis that's not related to our home or family. Working allows me to do all of that, plus pay our bills.

But lately I just can't shake the feeling that this is all wrong.

The other night Nate and I went out for a quick dinner together. I was quiet and spacey, so he asked what I was thinking about. My response? "I hate my job." Which isn't even true. Sure, it can be quite frustrating, but all in all I have a pretty sweet gig — great hours, decent pay, good friends, the ability to wear jeans. There are plenty of perks to make up for the less than stellar parts of my job. So, no. That wasn't it. I don't hate my job.

What I hate is that me working means giving someone who is not me the responsibility of parenting my son.

As my Facebook friends know all too well, and as you may have noticed from recent posts, we are having some challenges with Calvin. I'll put it bluntly: My kid is the biter. He's also the screamer, but that seems to have improved a bit in recent weeks, and is less worrisome overall since screaming does not cause physical harm to other children. But for the past few weeks there's been a note on his sheet nearly every day: "Calvin bit two kids today" or "Calvin bit another child today — this time he broke the skin."

I can't even describe to you the feeling I get in my stomach when I read that. It makes me feel physically ill. And has brought me to tears more than once.

I am now going to go all defensive mommy on you and insist you understand that my child is not badly behaved. Or mean spirited. Or living in a home without rules, boundaries, and discipline. He is loving and sweet and wonderful. He is also one, teething, and testing every boundary we set.

It's normal behavior. I know that. My daycare provider knows that. I'm sure the other parents know it, although it has come to my attention recently that they are beginning to take issue with the daily reports saying their child has been bitten by another. I can't blame them, I would be wondering what the heck is going on and why the biter's parents aren't doing something to address their little piranha's behavior.

I wish I knew how to address it. I'm embarrassed, frustrated, and at a loss for answers.

We're working with our daycare provider to find a solution — your input and ideas are welcome, by the way — but, overall, I feel very helpless. Other than one incident at his birthday party, Calvin hasn't bitten anyone in front of us. And there's not much I can do to curb behavior I'm not witnessing.

Which I HATE. I hate that I'm not the one working with him to find other ways of expressing his frustration. I hate that I'm not there to teach him to be gentle with his friends, as I taught him to be with our dog. I hate that all day long someone else is reinforcing his good behaviors and addressing his bad ones.

I hate that such important tasks — tasks that will help shape and mold his character — fall to someone we pay to care for him 45 hours a week. The bulk of his awake time.

I trust our daycare provider. But I'm his mother. I should be the one teaching him right from wrong. I should be there to tell him not to bite, to be gentle, to be kind to his friends. I should be there to hug him after he looks at me with shocked, sad eyes for being scolded. I should be there to apologize to the children he bites, and their parents. I should be there to comfort, to redirect, to teach.

I should be there.

Instead I'm here. At work. Doing something I have to do, for now, but also that I want to do. All while someone else tries to keep my child from sinking his teeth into another.

I never wanted to be a stay at home mom. But I'm beginning to understand the appeal.

9 comments:

Matt and Abby said...

Wow, that is good stuff. I totally understand how you feel. There is nothing in this world that a mother can do to feel satisfied with one foot in the workplace and one foot at home. There is guilt for staying home and guilt for going to work. It's hard staying home and hard going to work. When I'm home I want to be at work and when I'm at work I want to be at home. Feel your pain here.
BTW I have no suggestions, good luck with the biting.

the deKorne family said...

sometimes, even when you DO stay at home..your kids still do awful, terrible, embarrassing things. so sorry you are having to go through this. love you.

-Kelly said...

I understand completely. I love my job and hate it all at the same time. I like to work and yet hate that I like to work- i have working mom guilt. I think mostly because I think working makes me nicer, more patient, overall happier and I feel bad that it does. I wish I was home while at work and think about work while at home. All kids go through stages regardless of working, staying home, etc. You are a great mom.

Katie said...

Oh Abby. I always love your honesty. I'm sorry you're going through this. Although I never had a biter, I completely understand the physically ill feeling you explained. Thomas (and the girls for that matter)defintely had/still have some moments. Hang in there. This is a hard age because he can't articulate all that he is feeling; but it will pass. He won't be biting forever. That I can promise you. :)

Samantha said...

This is tough Abs, and I can really relate. Miles is on the cusp of the whole biting thing, and I've already been told that there is a biter in his soon to be class. Which means, in all likelihood, Miles will bite for a period of time. I don't think there is a simple answer for you, I wish I could help. The only thing I can think of is to sit down with a bunch of things, some food, some things he shouldn't bite, and play a game showing him good things to bite and things not to bite. Its hard like you said when you aren't there when it occurs. Does he seem to do it during certain times of the day, like when he's tired? Or during free play? Is there a way that the provider could intervene before the biting occurs?

The Moser Fam... said...

Cal is such a cute, smart, sweet little boy and this biting is only a phase...not that that makes it ANY easier! You are a good mommy and soon you'll be able to reason with him and this will stop! I'm convinced that one is just a really hard age...especially when it comes to discipline! Heids is right, whether you are at home or at work kids still have ups and downs. You are doing what is best for you and your fam! All mom's can relate...LOVE YOU!!

Allie said...

ok, i have a suggestion. my oldest was a biter, but he would bite us on the shoulder when he got frustrated. we were able to scold him and curb his behavior. i guess u can say i was 'lucky' to witness it and try to curb it. but i'm a SAHM, so it was easier.

since you can't be there to witness him biting, (and this is going to sound terrible) but try to create an opportunity for him to bite. have playdates w/ one of the other kids from daycare (maybe the one he is biting most often). see if it's something in the way they interact and if u can catch it and scold him yourself.

just a thought.... good luck!

Jen Knox said...

Abby, I love your blog, your writing, and your honesty. Wish I had a suggestion to help!

Mary said...

Sorry you too are going through the biting phase! I hope this helps...
http://pediatrics.about.com/od/weeklyquestion/a/1106_biting.htm
Just remember you are a terrific mom, and it's just something some kids go through. I know when Noah is tired and ready for a nap or bed, he has a tendency to smack me in the face. He's not mean about it. It's just what he does. Perhaps mention to the daycare that he could be tired at the biting times and needs a nap? Hope it stops soon for your sanity ;)

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